How To Get Your Ex Back — The Ultimate Guide
You just went through a breakup, you’re hurting, and there’s only one thing on your mind: how to get your ex back.
Getting blind-sided by a breakup can be seriously traumatic. Maybe you didn’t even realize you had a problem! All those small issues you’ve been brushing off? There’s a chance that they snowballed into a gut-wrenching disaster for your romantic relationship.
Or maybe you initiated the breakup, but time has made you realize that you made a mistake. Perhaps you made a mountain out of a molehill and broke things off in the heat of the moment. Can you still patch things up and get back together?
It’s challenging, trying to reconcile after a breakup, matter how cordially you ended things. It’s painful, it’s complicated, and there’s a lot to unpack. Besides, if you broke up the first time, it means there are issues to address before you can actually consider getting back together.
Even so, if you’re sure you still have feelings for ex and the relationship is worth another shot, we know exactly how to get your ex back. Read on and find out.
Assess your feelings.
First things first: you say you still have feelings for your ex, and every inch of your body wants nothing more than to get back together. Okay.
No one is saying your feelings are invalid. You’re free to feel how you feel. However, it’s also true that many other emotions can cause you to want your ex back, and not for the most rational reasons.
Before you go any further, you need to investigate your own feelings. You’re sad, obviously, but are there any other emotions bubbling underneath?
If it was your ex who initiated the breakup, it is possible that your feelings are a lot more complex than just “sad”. Perhaps you’re feeling rejected and a little embarrassed to have been broken up with.
In wanting to get back together, are you simply seeking to soothe the pain you’re dealing with? After all, the fastest way to resolve your painful feelings is to bring things back to the way they were before the breakup.
There is a very good chance that you only want to reconcile so that you can avoid the pain you’re going through right now. We both know that’s not a very compelling reason to actually get back together.
Rest and recuperate.
Don’t go out there running after your ex immediately after the breakup. That’s the worst thing you can do, and might torpedo your chances at reconciliation straight up.
Breakups are taxing — physically and emotionally. You have to look out for number one — you — and that means giving yourself some time to heal.
We’re not saying give up! When you’re going through a breakup, however, the last thing you want is to run yourself ragged while emotions are still heightened. At this moment, your ex isn’t going to want to deal with you.
Everything is still too raw, and forcing things isn’t going to make the relationship magically better. Instead, take the opportunity to rest and regroup. Give yourself some time to relax and undertake some self-care practices to make sure that you’re not completely overwhelmed by this emotionally challenging time.
Take yourself out of this painful situation for the time being and give yourself the opportunity to restore your emotional strength.
Be honest in assessing the relationship.
When you’re overwhelmed and you still are in that complicated bubble post-breakup, there’s a very good chance that you’re unable to think straight.
You’ve got nostalgia glasses on right now, and all you can think of are the happy times you two shared. This is completely normal and no one is blaming you for succumbing to this post-breakup haze.
That being said, you shouldn’t try and win your ex back while you still have these rose-colored glasses on. You’re not thinking straight and you aren’t able to view the relationship for what it actually was.
Here’s the thing: obviously, the rational option is to work on how to get your ex back if you are sure that the relationship is worth saving. Otherwise, you’re only opening yourself up to more hurt and another breakup down the line.
When you’re in that hazy post-breakup nostalgia mood, you won’t be able to see the relationship in the right light.
You have to recognize that the breakup is the result of real problems. If these problems are insurmountable and absolute deal-breakers, there’s no reason why you ought to go back and try to fix things!
Without an honest assessment, you won’t be able to weed out the relationships that are worth saving and those that aren’t.
Identify the issues that led to the breakup.
When people break up, they don’t necessarily know the exact reason why. They tend to assume that the subject of the last fight is the reason for the breakup, without realizing that it might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
For example, your ex broke up with you after yet another fight over your spending habits. You might assume that your ex is completely controlling and wants to tell you what you can or can’t spend.
In your mind, it’s a question of control over finances. If you desperately want to reconcile, you may start offering your ex the power to handle your finances, thinking this will fix things and make them happy.
But it’s much more likely that from their perspective, it’s not about wanting to control your money. It’s about differing priorities and approaches to financial issues, which can be a serious concern especially if marriage is on the horizon.
You need to take time and figure out the real issues that caused the breakup. Is it a lack of trust? Is it the lack of communication? If you can’t figure these issues out, you’ll never reconcile successfully.
Make sure that your ex is worth the effort.
Before you take the next step, it’s very, very, very important for you to take the time to honestly assess if this relationship is worth saving.
When you’re still reeling from a breakup, there’s a chance that you cling more to the comfort of having a partner. This makes you vulnerable, and you could be hanging on to your ex because of the image they represent, rather than what they can actually offer.
Working on a reconciliation is a really taxing process and you have to make sure that your ex is worth the effort.
Work on improving yourself.
So, you’ve decided that this relationship really is worth your while. You know that your ex makes you a better person and that your world is made richer by their presence.
Here’s the thing: a breakup means something went wrong the first time around. How do you know the same problem won’t happen once you reconcile?
You need to start by looking at your own flaws. Obviously, the relationship went under because you both had shortcomings — you can’t act like only one party was at fault. As such, the first step to take is to figure out what you need to improve.
If you’re the sort of person who keeps feelings balled up instead of talking and fixing things quickly, you need to learn how to be more communicative. You need to let your partner know what you’re feeling instead of keeping quiet and just simmering until things eventually come to a boil.
This step also includes improving yourself physically. If you feel like you’ve let yourself go during the relationship, now’s your chance to get fit and get healthy. It sounds shallow, but being physically attractive can up your chances of getting back with your ex.
Cut off all contact for the time being.
Give it a month or two — don’t talk to or contact your ex at any time. Now this can seem like a very passive-aggressive approach to handling the breakup, and it can be.
However, there’s a valid reason why cutting off contact is necessary.
First of all, no one likes a clingy ex. The breakup means your ex wants and needs space. If you can’t respect their wishes, this will only make them resent you and minimize your chances at reconciliation.
Second, you need this time, too. By cutting off contact, you are able to heal at your own pace. It gives you the clarity that you need to figure out whether or not you really want to reconcile.
When you’re constantly in touch, whether directly or through social media, you won’t be able to get the peace of mind that you need. It robs you of the chance to properly assess the relationship.
Finally — and yes, it’s a little passive-aggressive — cutting contact gives your ex the chance to miss you. They’ll likely get annoyed if you’re always around, but the minute you start avoiding them, human instinct is to miss you.
If you’re looking to get back with your ex, making them miss you is the obvious first step.
Don’t bend over backwards just to get your ex back.
One of the worst things you can do is to pander too much to your ex in the hopes that this will make them come back to you.
Don’t let your ex treat you like a doormat! This won’t improve your chances at reconciliation. Instead, it’ll leave your ex with less respect for you, since you are now willing to put up with terrible behavior just so you can get back together.
Besides, overwhelming your ex with saccharine behavior isn’t ideal. As you can remember, your ex wants and needs space. If you’re constantly present and trying to get on their good graces, you run the risk of annoying them and making things worst.
Of course, you don’t want to be the jealous type, either.
If your ex wants to go out with someone new, the last thing you should do is throw a temper tantrum.
Yes, we get that this threatens the possibility of a reconciliation, but being a jealous ex will tank those possibilities even faster. Keep your emotions in check, and bide your time.
Ask them out respectfully.
Once the period of “no contact” is over, you need to work your way up to reconnecting. Otherwise, you can’t possibly get a shot at reconciling with your ex.
The first rule is that you have to be respectful. If your ex isn’t ready, don’t badger them. You don’t want to ruin all the hard work you’ve already put in.
Keep things light and casual for the time being. Ask them out to have coffee. This is less pressure and you’re more likely to get a yes.
Of course, try not to talk about your breakup. The approach should be positive and light-hearted, with your overall vibe being a happy and healthy one.
You should come in with an invitation that exudes strength. You’re asking your ex out to reconnect, but do not immediately bring up your desire to reconcile. The goal is to show them that you’re doing fine and that you’d like to extend an olive branch.
Be confident when you meet up.
Want to know how to get your ex back? Be confident.
If you look like you’re still overwhelmed and that you’re in pieces after the breakup, you’ll make the entire situation awkward for your ex.
The vibe you want is strong and positive — show your ex that you’re doing fine and you’re okay with or without them. When you present this new and improved version of you, your ex will see that you’re a catch and that perhaps a second look is in order.
Just make sure that you don’t make snide remarks throughout your get-together. If you bring negativity and make them feel like you’re angry or hurt, it will reflect poorly on you.
Your ex will see you as a ball of sad energy and will likely try to avoid you from now on. After all, no one wants to deal with messy emotions. They probably would rather move on than deal with an ex who still harbors negative feelings.
Bottom line here: take your time and give yourself the opportunity to rest. Work on improving yourself and restore your confidence before you contact your ex. When you’re strong, happy, and confident, your ex won’t be able to help getting back with you.
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